Fall of the DevDas and Rise of the DudeDas. [Dude Week Day 5]

Babuji ne kahaa gaon chhod do,
sabne kahaa paro ko chhod do,
paro ne kahaa sharaab chhod do,
aaj tumne kah dia, haweli chhod do,
ek din aayega jab wo kahenge, duniya hi chhod do"

What type of a sick frustrated a-hole says these kind of a stuff that too only because of some chick did not marry him. May be only People like Akash Dash can answer it. Devdas still remains the idol of nudes of our country. Remember folks every girl (synonyms: Satan,Devil) wants us the Dudes to become Devdas for her. This is her soul objective. Even they have an undercover competition of "Paro-ness" going among them. Now the table must turn & we should start the tradition of "Devi D" & "DEVIDAS". So from now on let’s bring a revolution & convert all "DEVDAS" to "DUDE DAS".  Ladkibaaz Larry along with Mental Baba will suggest you ways to how to stop becoming miserable after breakups and start becoming awesome.

 

 

1.       A Dude is always allowed to or welcome to Drink & indulge in booze fest. But this booze-fest is not to be confused with 'Devdas'ish booze fests. It should be more like Siddharth Mallya Booze-Fests.

2.       Update your Facebook Status to "Phew! Finally De-Bitchified!" and make all your friends like it. Make all yor friends comment as “Happy Independence Day”.

3.       Try your best to bag a hotter chick than her and upload cosy snaps with her in your FB account.

4.       Don’t return, burn or flush her gifts. Arrange a fake-auction of her gifts in front of her house or in her college & ask your friends to make fake-bids.

5.       Join CVRCE Diary. This is the only reason why Harry joined the blog.

6.       Practice shooting & get yourself a shotgun or try & fencing. You must post these things on your status update. That has to freak her out.

7.       No Chick remains a friend after break-up so forget friendship & indulge in war.
Strike through her signature from attendance shit OR tape the place where see puts her signature. So that she can’t sign anymore. Report abuse. 

8.       Get a Restraining Order (She will be jailed if she comes within 20 metres of you) against her from the local court. It costs only 300 bucks and you can get it easily too. Publish a copy of the same in the local newspaper. Then hang around her favourite hang outs, coffee shops, Khatti Places. Whenever she comes to that place, Take out a measuring tape and a Cell phone from your pocket!

9.       You shall under no circumstance watch movies like "Devdas","A Walk To Remember","Qayamat se Qayamat Tak" & also "500 days of summer" if you don’t get the word sarcasm. The suggested movies to watch post break-up. Kill Bill. High Fidelity. Saw. Bachna Ae Haseeno(first half only).

10.    Throw a Break-Up party with lots of booze & hot chicks. Money will not be a problem as the money-sucker is away. Upload the pics in your FB account.

11.    Crying in front of her roomies is so lame. Flirt with her & ask her out. Take her to a better restaurant than you took your ex to. Dont mention a single word about your ex if reffered tell "Who is She?" or "That name stinks" or "You live with that thing!"

12.    Do whatever but don't pee at her gate. You may however upload her pic in a matrimonial site along with her contact details.

13.    Publish her Obituary in all leading newspapers.

14.    Make posters of "To-Let" with her number,print multiple copies and paste on the walls in crowded places.  PS: You may replace "To-Let" with more creative and effective words. ;) You know what we are talking about! 

15.    Text  "I Love You. Kissie. Huggie. Muaaahhh.(Censored)" message to her Mom/Dad's cell. Wait for 5 minutes and text "Sorry Aunty, That message wasn't meant for you. Please forward it to your daughter. Hope you have SMS pack."

16.    Send her a highly detailed bill of all the dinners, lunches, gifts, kisses, roses, etc. Tell that you will take legal action if she doesn't pay up.

17.    Place a singles ad with your her phone number in newspapers and websites.

 

Dude Week Day 4 : Mental baba Meets Barney Stinson

Well folks this is not a suggestion box thread like Agony Aunty or Ask Preeto. This is Mental Baba. This is strictly based on the "Dude Veda" the authentic & original way for Dudes to trap girls. Though we know girls are evil but it is historically proven that man by his virtue has always flirted with the evil. So how much they suck we still need chicks to rock our world. But remember one thing Dudes never choose a chick. Coz they all are same ,but it is highly appreciable if a Dude can crack the uncrackables (as believed by Nudes). For Dudes no girl lives in this world who is both hot & uncrackable. This post will act as a small preview of what to expect from “The Dude Veda” Let the Dude prevail. Amen.

 

• Always pretend as if you don't know that chick's roommate. Always refer her roommate as "That Fashion Disaster" or Kangna Ranaut or You May say that chick who lives with you looks a bit older. Do it for the first few days. Then Follow the next step.
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• Hit on her Best Friend, Her Roomie, Her Lab Partner. Strategically ignore her. Nothing attracts her more But stay within limits. Other the plan will backfire and she would help her friend to bring both of you together.
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• If you are having difficulty to talk to her then follow this step. Bang her Scooty once with your 150 cc bike. Bang it hard so that she will get big injuries and their you got a chance to get into her heart.Give her Scooty to a low priced garage,pay for bandages,antiseptic,cotton,lollypops and their you got your girl with just spending few bucks.Money matters Dude,money matters sometimes.{Do this in some crowded places like Big Bazaar,Market building so that unknown crowd will praise your bravery.Don't do this in front of LH.Other girls will start comparing your biking skill with that of their boyfriends}
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• If you’re the adventurous kind,buy her something intimate.And by intimate,we don’t mean a tiny little teddy bear holding an I-Love-You signboard. Be a Dude.Time to buy her some Russian Vodka. Believe us, Sally once reported about a booze-fest at the room opposite of hers in the LH.
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• At theatre never look at her.Look at the screen straight and share your laugh and jokes with her friend sitting at your other side.Share popcorn with her.Bring her coffee with extra cream. And give light coffee to your chick and tell her that you care for her health.Carbs will fuck cholesterol .Talk nonsense. Chicks really love those things which their brain cant easily understand. But it may backfire if she asks the game over question. “Do I look fat?”
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• The Golden rule of trapping chick is the harder to crack the more fun it is.
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• There’s something cute about pulling a girls cheek, that readily makes her blush like a little tomato.Pulling a girl's cheek has a 99 per cent chance of making her blush. However, this ratio decreases severely if you follow it up by saying the words “You look Cute ! ”. That translates into “Wow, you’ve put on weight, fatty” in Chick Language. Now Dudish doesn't mean to act dumb.
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• In a restaurant pay the waiter more than 300 bucks as tips,ask about his children,give him extra 100 bucks so that he could feed his children and pay their tuition fees{give fake smiles}.Chicks will return smile which shows that she's impressed by your broad heart.But wait big NO. She's just impressed by the way you spend your bucks{if 500 bucks can be spent on waiter and 1000 can be on her}.There comes your turn to cross backfire.Take the bucks from the waiter when you will leave.{Do it backside}
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• If the girl hates when you don't call her as you said you will then promise her that you will call, then tell her a particular time in a day you will call. This will ensure that she waits for your call. Also promise her that you are going to say something special when you call. Then don't call her at all. Let her wait, time is gold when it comes to chick.
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• Contrary to popular opinion, chicks become happy even if you don’t compliment them. All you have to do is compliment their boyfriends.Tell her how lucky she is to have such a gentlemanly boyfriend. But don’t over do it, otherwise she’ll get jealous of you. *Sigh* Yeah,Chicks are weird like that and Dudes know how to maintain their overacting levels.
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• Save your friends from accidents frequently in front of her.Push them secretly to the middle of the road and drag them back when a car arrives.Do it very bravely in front of her.This will make you a real life superhero.Even Peter Parker was able to crack the hottest chick of his school.
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• Nudes (None Dudes. Guys with No Dudish Qualities) believe that giving special attention to a chick is gonna help them get the chick. But Dudes just have faith in the contrary. The more you ignore her the more worried she becomes about you. True story. Ignoring also means no commenting on her status too. But you may "poke back" her. Never put her proxies.
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• Use applications like "What your friend said about you" and answer questions about her frequently.This will keep her busy searching the answers but that's bad news for them that that applications needs to have answers of 100 questions first to get one answer about you.You can see that chicks desperation in other people walls :)
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• A Dude never flirts online with unknown girls. This area is where the Nudes are kings.
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• On Mondays when she calls don't receive it at first & tell her i have been to mandir. On Sundays when tell her you are teaching poor orphans for free. During booze-nights with other Dudes tell her that parents are not in town so you need to cook your own food so cant chat with her that night.
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• Do whatever to impress or trap her but never tell her that you are writing CVRCE DIARY. Tom has tested & proved it several times. He has received the highest number of Report Abuse clicks in CVRCE History for that very reason. Chicks hate CVRCE Diary Khabris.
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• Do show some fake concerns about her puppy's health & also ask her to mail you her Puppie’s Photos.
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• Chokeslam your roomie when she arrives in your room and just give her a casual smile when she just sees you doing this
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• Add pictures of you with babies, cats and puppies in your Facebook and Orkut accounts. It will assure you huge number of 'likes' and comments from chicks.
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• Create and rehearse an "Epic Tragic Romantic Backstory" of yours. Say how you had a girlfriend and how she left you stranded. How you were stranded and how you vowed that you will never enter another relationship. It works. It seems like a challenge to her.
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• Always praise Paulo Coelho & Erich Segal in front of her. You can fake it by hitting the like button under all her status updates. Also act like you like The Twilight movies.
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• Send her free cows in Farmville.Every time she logs on her page she must see an unhappy cow or duckling or donkey for her farm.

How to Scare/Piss Off Your Roomie [Mental Baba]

Disclaimer: This Mental Baba post is only meant for LH students only. If Boys’ mess students attempt to follow the following tips and tricks CVRCE Diary doesn’t guarantee the results.

Are you sick of your roomie? Do you want to change your roomie but can’t find a good enough reason for that? Is your roomie’s BF hotter than yours and you are sick of it? Does your roomie hog up the internet usage every month?  Does your roomie sped two hours in the bathroom every morning? Is your roomie placed and you are not and she is showing off? Is your roommate the primary reason why you think your engineering life sucks? Well don’t worry ladies. Mental Baba is here to adhere to all your sorrows! Mental Baba will tell how to piss off and punish your roomie. He will tell you ways to freak out and scare your roomie. He will give you fool proof ways to give that return punch and make life hell for your roommate for ever.

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1. In the middle of the night… let your hair down, wear something loose and white... Stand staring at your sleeping roomie constantly with your head tilted, eyes wide and an evil smile… Do this every night. Results guaranteed in one week. 

2. Buy their exact wardrobe and wear the same clothes they do every day. Start commenting on how much you have in common, and how you must be twins separated at birth.
3. Read books on occult, witchcraft, etc. ...Prepare a voodoo doll of your roomie...Once when she is half asleep try to get a piece of her cloth/hair.
4. Constantly sharpen a big butcher's knife every day with a stone. Periodically look at your roommate and give her an evil smile...slowly mutter 'Soon. Soon !’
5. Ask them daily about their cleaning habits. Always act like it isn't enough. Bring home disinfectants and clean everything they touch 5 seconds after they've touched it. Behave as though they are crawling with nasty germs and ask "You haven't touched this have you?" before you touch anything.
6. Give her romantic gifts, roses, cards, etc...If that doesn’t scare her then PROPOSE HER.
7. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
8. Throw a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that she reimburse you.
9. Watch movies like Cannibal Holocaust, Saw series, Hostel series etc. and laugh hysterically during Gore Scenes. And beech beech mein mutter to yourself (but loud enough for her to hear) "Hey...Dat was cool..I can try dat!".
10. Keep a pet frog. One day smash it with your roomie's heaviest book. Then cry and cry and cry and blame your roomie for Froggie's murder. Swear that you will take the revenge Ghajini Style.
11. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
12. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been cold lately.
13. Buy a bottle of red ink. Smear it around your mouth and eat sandwich. When she sees you eating, quickly hide the sandwich. Let her think that u r eating some living creature.
14. Use the bottle of red ink to smear your hands red. Every night come running to yr room and wash your hands frantically as if it was blood. When your roomie enquires about it just answer "I didn’t do it. It was just an accident."
15. Bring a chessboard and play chess with your imaginary friend in front of your roomie and after the match shake hands with your friend {in air}... Works better if you shout expletives at your imaginary friend when you lose!
16. Start listening to insane forms of music like classical Chinese music or African heavy metal at high volumes.
17. Paste posters of Bal Thackeray, Rahul Mahajan, Rahi Sawant, Her Mom, KRK, etc posters in your room.
18. Finally the killer punch. Set the photo of your roomie's Boyfriend as your lappy's wallpaper.

Cracking a Campus.(Literally!)

A Hearty Congrats to all those who have cracked TCS! Now go sell your soul to the ruthless and cruel HRs of TCS who are gonna make you toil your asses until they roast.  Best of luck for your future! If you can scroll down a bit, you can see one of our earlier posts on ‘How to Screw Up in the Semesters’. It was quite well received and we are following suit with a similarly themed post. Read on…

This post is meant only for those 111 lucky arsed fellas who cracked either Vedant or TCS who still want to sit in Off-Campus Recruitment Drives. Now answer yourself a few questions. Are you tired of overacting in your job interviews? Are you sick of lying so much in your CVs? You had enough of fake smiles and blushes during the interviews? Give it a break. Give others a chance too! Instead take our suggestions and have a ball at the HR interviews in Off Campus Drives. We will tell you the best ways to screw up with the HRs in interviews.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please do not attempt this if you don’t have any companies in your wallet. Do not blame us if you remain jobless after following our suggestions. The Diary won’t be responsible for your pathetic future.  Once again we are repeating. This post is only meant for those who are already placed in TCS or Vedant. The rest of you, what the fuck are you doin’ here? Go and read. (And yes, Being a Khabri at CVRCE Diary doesn't mean that you have a job. So all the khabris out there,DONT TRY THIS AT HOME…err…Campus)

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Innovative things to do in the interview to piss off the HR…

• Take a Pug (Hutch/Vodafone wala kutta) with you to the interview room. When the HR gives a WTF look, say “Wherever I go, my network follows”. Works better if you take with you a few ZooZoos.
• Enter the room in full WWE Raw style complete with Intro music, Pyro techniques and tights.
• Upon entering the room, deliberately fall down and do not get up until the HR helps you out. Then give a bewildered look and say, “Main Kaun Hoon? Main Kahan Hoon?”
• In the middle of the interview raise up your hand and say, “May I go to the toilet please?”
• Tweet about your interview in the middle of it. Ask him to send you Mafia Wars gift. Be creative.
• Periodically act like a Kangna Ranaut Bhootni. When the HR pisses in his pants in fear, get back to normal, apologize and say that you have got Multiple Personality Disorder. If you are a bong, then do the classic “Ami Monjolika” act from Bhool Bhoolaiya.
• Regardless of whether you are a boy or a girl, wear a burka to the interview.
• When you first hear his voice live him a surprised look and start scolding, “Aren’t you the guy from Aircel customer care that disturbs me day and night?”

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Innovative answers to some Not-So-Innovative questions…

Tell me something about yourself.

• I’m 100 % straight.
• Go and refer my Orkut profile you moron.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

• Strengths- Rhythmic Farting, Putting Proxy, and Spearheading Strikes. I’m a Complan Boy/Girl!
• Weakness- Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, Heidi Klum.

What is the reason for your year gap?

• I was convincing papa that I can be a good dancer in Oriya Album videos.
• I was taking coaching classes for MTV Roadies and Splitsvilla.
• For Boys- I ran away with the maid that year. I was Pregnant. Etc.
• For Girls- Act surprised when he asks you this question. Say ‘Oh SHIT’ as if you just now realized that you missed a year.

What is the reason for the dip in the percentage of marks?

• Tell that you believe in versatility.
• Tell that scientists are working on the exact reason. Research is going on.
• Blame it on Pakistan. Why? Coz everything that goes wrong in India is blamed on Pakistan.
• Tell that it was due to a girl. After that swoosh into the world of your imaginary romance. Completely ignore the HR guy henceforth.

What are your Favorite Subjects?

• Frog Psychology, Ethiopian History, Pornology.

Any Queries?

• Ask them when you will be receiving your Call Letter. When he gives you an estimated date,Stand up suddenly, bang the table hard with your 'Dhai Kilo ka Haath' and shout, "Tarrek pey Taarekh,Taarekh pey Taareekh..."
• Ask if the office computers have broadband connection so that you can download movies and all...
• How far is the office from the nearest multiplex?
• Does your health insurance cover pets?
• And some classic questions like, Aap Roadie Kyun Ban-na chahte ho?Melody itni chocolatey kyun hai? Hum Chloromint kyun khatey hain?

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21 Ways to Screw Yourself in Semesters

You have not at all studied for the paper, all the days you got before exam went at the Xerox shop. Your friend did not mail you the leaked questions. When you opened the book 4 the first time you found that the pages are torn by the fellow from whom you bought. Or…You have passed all your exams till 6th semester but you are not satisfied. So the diary will solve your problem and assist you to experience something new. Engineering life is incomplete without a back. Are you tired of passing in exams? Are you tired of being a 6.1 All clear guy? Do you want to empathize with all those back loggers? So this season get ready to do the undone…We present you 21 innovative and fool proof ways to fail the semester exams or even get kicked out of the exam hall during the exam…

Statutory Warning- All these stunts are performed by experts. So don’t try them by yourself without knowing the consequences.

Declaration- We hereby declare that if anybody fails after doing this; please don’t ask us to do your back paper registration.

 

1. If it is a problematic paper, answer in essay form. Write stories. If it is a theory paper, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol regularly. Create your own imaginary symbols if possible. Remember to use as much variables you can.
2. Bring Cheerleaders. Instruct them to dance every time you successfully answer a question or successfully copy it from your front guy.
3. Walk in the exam. Stop. Give the invigilator a surprised look. And shout, “Who are you? Where’s the guy who took 500 bucks to help me out? Call him else I will call Disco Kid (to give one of his Legendary Punches!)”.
4. Write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." on reply to every question whose answer you don’t have the faintest idea of.
5. Write the exam with glitter gel pens, crayons, poster colors and fluorescent markers. If possible draw a cow on the front page and write "Click to Collect Chocolate Milk" below it. It might work if the examiner is a Farmville Addict.
6. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. Give Innocent looks. For best results practice it in front of the mirror before doing it in action.
7. As soon as the instructor hands you the answer paper, eat it. If possible ask for some ketchup. If he gives a surprised look, tell him to from Monginis.
8. Bring a black marker. Return the question paper and answer sheet with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
9. Arrange a strike before the exam coz you can’t appear today as you have to go an watch “3 Idiots”.
10. From the moment the exam begins sing the 'Blue Theme'. Ignore the invigilator’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to ‘Dhan Ta Nan’.
11. Bring cheat and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
12. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
13. Try to get the students in the room do the Mexican wave.
14. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly devil idol. Put it right next to you. Pray it often. Chant imaginary mantras and sacrifice a cockroach. When the invigilator intervenes, tell him not to mess with your religious beliefs. And continue chanting in some inexplicable tongue.
15. Do the 'Rocket Singh' dance on the top of your desk. And insist the others to do the 'Paa' dance step.
16. Bring few beggar kids from CRP with you. And sing “Jai Ho” with them. And if the invigilator objects, accuse him of being insensitive to the poor.
17. Bring a Cake with you and say Happy Birthday to the invigilator and start celebrating (Read Thrashing the Invigilator).
18. Come running into the class and spread rumor that Microsoft has come to recruit & it’s on first come first serve basis.
19. Get the entire class to sing the DoCoMo advertisement jingle.
20. Point at any random girl and say "Hi Secret Agent Sally!”
21. Stand up and shout "Yes it’s me who is writing the blog." The students will take care of the rest.

Semester Monster

There are good time. And there are bad times. But once in six months there comes a really really bad time which completely decimates the already muddled up minds of us Engineering students. Yeah you guessed it right. Its the ‘EggZam Time’ ! It comes once in every six months and spreads a wave of despair all around. Some symptoms to look around for when the semesters are round the corner…

• The in-season starts for the Xerox/Photocopy Shops. Loads and loads of students make a beeline in these shops to take photocopies of various notes, leaked question papers, so called ‘Sure-Shot’ questions and what-nots. Photo copying becomes the Engineering hobby during the exam time !
• Big crowds at old book stores/second hand book stores. They are preferred over the newer edition any day. Why? Coz the previous owner must have marked out and underlined the important points. But what the students are unaware that there are many devil minded guys like me who underline and mark out unnecessary points and portions of the book before selling it off with the sole reason to land the next owner in trouble ! Evil. Ain’t it?!
• Frequent mobile recharges. Its strange that how the need to communicate increases exponentially during the time of exams. Also the level of friendship takes a huge leap in the Y-axis during the exam times !
• Uncanny amount of status updates in Orkut, Facebook, Twitter, Etc.
• Big Rush at various messes in the name of ‘Group Study’. Two things I have learnt in my Engineering career. One. Exam papers dont leak. Two. There is no such thing as ‘Group Study’ !
• Mechanical, Electronics and Electrical students debating on whose subject s are the toughest. CS and IT students can’t even open their mouths in these debates ! AEI students watching Movie at S-Complex.
• The Annual BPUT strike to reschedule the exam dates
• The IPL season starts during the Exam Season. F**K You Lalit Modi.
• And last but not the least. Hyper-Tension all around. You can Practically feel it in the air !

Kalakaar Kerry
(Associate Khabri)