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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Cracking a Campus.(Literally!)

A Hearty Congrats to all those who have cracked TCS! Now go sell your soul to the ruthless and cruel HRs of TCS who are gonna make you toil your asses until they roast.  Best of luck for your future! If you can scroll down a bit, you can see one of our earlier posts on ‘How to Screw Up in the Semesters’. It was quite well received and we are following suit with a similarly themed post. Read on…Untitled-1

This post is meant only for those 111 lucky arsed fellas who cracked either Vedant or TCS who still want to sit in Off-Campus Recruitment Drives. Now answer yourself a few questions. Are you tired of overacting in your job interviews? Are you sick of lying so much in your CVs? You had enough of fake smiles and blushes during the interviews? Give it a break. Give others a chance too! Instead take our suggestions and have a ball at the HR interviews in Off Campus Drives. We will tell you the best ways to screw up with the HRs in interviews.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please do not attempt this if you don’t have any companies in your wallet. Do not blame us if you remain jobless after following our suggestions. The Diary won’t be responsible for your pathetic future.  Once again we are repeating. This post is only meant for those who are already placed in TCS or Vedant. The rest of you, what the fuck are you doin’ here? Go and read. (And yes, Being a Khabri at CVRCE Diary doesn't mean that you have a job. So all the khabris out there,DONT TRY THIS AT HOME…err…Campus)


Innovative things to do in the interview to piss off the HR…

  • Take a Pug (Hutch/Vodafone wala kutta) with you to the interview room. When the HR gives a WTF look, say “Wherever I go, my network follows”. Works better if you take with you a few ZooZoos.
  • Enter the room in full WWE Raw style complete with Intro music, Pyro techniques and tights.
  • Upon entering the room, deliberately fall down and do not get up until the HR helps you out. Then give a bewildered look and say, “Main Kaun Hoon? Main Kahan Hoon?”
  • In the middle of the interview raise up your hand and say, “May I go to the toilet please?”
  • Tweet about your interview in the middle of it. Ask him to send you Mafia Wars gift. Be creative.
  • Periodically act like a Kangna Ranaut Bhootni. When the HR pisses in his pants in fear, get back to normal, apologize and say that you have got Multiple Personality Disorder. If you are a bong, then do the classic “Ami Monjolika” act from Bhool Bhoolaiya.
  • Regardless of whether you are a boy or a girl, wear a burka to the interview.
  • When you first hear his voice live him a surprised look and start scolding, “Aren’t you the guy from Aircel customer care that disturbs me day and night?”


Innovative answers to some Not-So-Innovative questions…

Tell me something about yourself.

  • I’m 100 % straight.
  • Go and refer my Orkut profile you moron.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

  • Strengths- Rhythmic Farting, Putting Proxy, and Spearheading Strikes. I’m a Complan Boy/Girl!
  • Weakness- Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, Heidi Klum.

What is the reason for your year gap?

  • I was convincing papa that I can be a good dancer in Oriya Album videos.
  • I was taking coaching classes for MTV Roadies and Splitsvilla.
  • For Boys- I ran away with the maid that year. I was Pregnant. Etc.
  • For Girls- Act surprised when he asks you this question. Say ‘Oh SHIT’ as if you just now realized that you missed a year.

What is the reason for the dip in the percentage of marks?

  • Tell that you believe in versatility.
  • Tell that scientists are working on the exact reason. Research is going on.
  • Blame it on Pakistan. Why? Coz everything that goes wrong in India is blamed on Pakistan.
  • Tell that it was due to a girl. After that swoosh into the world of your imaginary romance. Completely ignore the HR guy henceforth.

What are your Favorite Subjects?

  • Frog Psychology, Ethiopian History, Pornology.

Any Queries?

  • Ask them when you will be receiving your Call Letter. When he gives you an estimated date,Stand up suddenly, bang the table hard with your 'Dhai Kilo ka Haath' and shout, "Tarrek pey Taarekh,Taarekh pey Taareekh..."
  • Ask if the office computers have broadband connection so that you can download movies and all...
  • How far is the office from the nearest multiplex?
  • Does your health insurance cover pets?
  • And some classic questions like, Aap Roadie Kyun Ban-na chahte ho?Melody itni chocolatey kyun hai? Hum Chloromint kyun khatey hain?